It seems Scary

Scary. That’s what it feels like in here…in my insides. It feels scary.

I notice I did not say, “I feel scared,” or even, “I am frightened.”

I said, “It feels scary.”

I’m making some big decisions this month. I may change everything in my life in one fell swoop. Well, everything? Not everything but some big things, in no particular order:

Home Transportation Job Place of employment State of residence Region of country
Proximity to family Proximity to friends Finances

Those are some big changes.

I’ve been wanting to leave my current employer for at least 3 years.

I had hopes of grand promotions and advancements in income. But those hopes have not been realized. I worked hard. I gave it my all. I brought in new relational techniques. I blew their minds about what it means to be a people manager.

And, I think they are scared. In fact, I know they have been scared by the way I have successfully brought about the change they knew they wanted but could not effect. I bravely faced conversations that were uncomfortable. I brought in new communication techniques that seemed too “simple” and wound up bringing forth profound change.

I’ve challenged them and been effective. And now they want to go back to the old ways.

And. It is just possible that I am picking up on their fear and applying it to my life. So, what do I do with my awareness that “It feels scary”?

Well, I’m writing about it all here. I am externalizing it. I am talking with trusted friends. I am allowing all the feelings to move through me at their own purrfect rate.

And. I am moving forward. I am clearing up my financial commitments here in this company and in this state. I am looking at possible homes in the new location. I am exploring the transportation options that will be part of my new life.

And, I do this with generosity and compassion first for myself.

· What are my truest desires?

· Which friends can safely hold the bigness of my experience with me?

· Which breathing techniques will support me at a given stage?

· What, if any, meditations will enhance my awareness of my truest desire?

· How can I take this at one digestible experience at a time?

The bigness of all the things that will change, as I listed originally, is the “It” that is scary.

And, when I take the steps I need to support myself, when I ask the right people to accompany on the journey of discovery, and I ask myself:

Am I afraid? I am not afraid.

I am excited.

I am excited to honor my desires, to honor my skills, to love myself even better than I have until this moment.